THE ABC'S OF SEARCHING
A.___Anything can, and usually does, happen when you are searching. If you are
not prepared to deal with the truth, you are probably not ready to search. Your
birthmother could be dead or may not be ready to meet with you. Chances are,
she's alive and is as anxious to meet you as you are to meet her, but be
prepared for anything.
B.___Birthmothers never forget! Tucked away somewhere is her memory of you. It
reappears on your birthday and on the day she surrendered you. Understand that
the memory may be very painful for her, and she may not be ready to deal with it
yet.
C.___Cry a lot and laugh a lot during your search. It's healing.
D.___Don't expect a reunion to solve all your problems. It won't. Searching will
make you stronger and may answer questions you may have about yourself, but it
will bring new complications to your life and new relationships you have to deal
with.
E.___Expect to feel very emotional as your search progresses. It is common to
feel a lot of grief/anger, sadness, and hopelessness as you proceed with your
search.
F.___Feelings mean you are doing your work. If you're not feeling anything,
chances are you're running from something. Expect to feel tremendous highs when
you uncover new information on your search and tremendous lows when you find
yourself up against a wall.
G.___Go to adoption support meetings. Get search help, and talk about your
experience. It helps to talk to people who are in the same boat as you or who
have gone through their own searches.
H.___Hold on! If you move too fast, you won't be able to deal with the intensity
of emotions you may experience on your search. Searching can often feel like a
roller coaster ride. Sometimes, by slowing down, the overwhelming feelings might
subside.
I.___Inventiveness pays off! You need to be active in your search. Those who
stay on the sidelines don't find. Searching doesn't go by the numbers. The more
inventive you and your search helper are, the better your chances are for a
successful reunion.
J.___Join a search/support group. People who search with the help of a group
have a better chance of finding and a better chance of a reunion.
K.___Keep good records. Don't throw anything away. Even the smallest piece of
information may later prove to be an essential clue.
L.___Listen to the experience of birthmothers in your group. Chances are you
have met a birthmother and never knew it! This is your opportunity to gain some
valuable insights into the feelings your own birthmother might have. Chances are
great that she did not give you up because she didn't love you! She probably
gave you up because she was told she was doing the right thing.
M.___Meetings, meetings, meetings! They provide a safe place for you to explore
your adoption experience and to gain support from others who are going through
their own search processes.
N.___Nice people tend to have smoother reunions. It is understandable to
experience rage at what has happened to you. That rage might even be directed at
your birthmother. Deal with the feelings of rage as much as you can before you
approach your birthmother. You both will get off on a better foot that way.
O.___Only the beginning. Searching and finding is not the end-but only another
beginning.
P.___People who don't understand are best left out of the search process. Expect
some people to tell you that you have no right to search for your birthfamily,
that you are being disloyal and ungrateful to your adoptive family, and that you
will destroy your birthmom's life by finding her and revealing her secret.
Birthmothers won't die from being "exposed". Experience shows that many
birthmothers, once they overcome the fear, want very much to meet their sons and
daughters. Your adoptive parents won't die because of your search either. It may
be painful to them, but it's your right to search and know the truth of your
life.
Q.___Quitting won't get you anywhere. Expect to have powerful feelings that urge
you to quit searching at times, especially if it becomes lengthy or difficult.
You don't have to quit but sometimes the emotions become too intense, and you
might want to slow the pace of your search. Go to more meetings as a way to help
you understand how you are feeling.
R.___Rejection is a common fear among adoptees. Expext to feel a lot of
rejection fears as you search. You will find yourself growing stronger as you
confront and overcome these fears. Expect to feel afraid that your birthmother
or adoptive family will reject you for searching. Chances are this will not
happen.
S.___Sad as it is to accept, adoption can and does leave scars. Your experience
probably hasn't been perfect, and a lot of things may have happened to cause you
pain. It's okay to be satisfied, dissatisfied, or both, with your experiences.
But you must confront your life and be honest about your feelings. Confront
those feelings honestly and deal with them. Denial stops the healing process.
T.___Therapists are often useful when you're searching. They can help you deal
with the confusing feelings you may experience. Seeing a therapist does not mean
that you're sick, it just means that you are trying to take care of your
emotional life and to learn more about yourself.
U.___Understanding will be a valuable asset when you meet your birthmother. As
you go through your search, you are preparing yourself for your reunion. Your
birthmother is not. She is probably still in hiding and has no conscious idea
that you are searching for her. Occasionally birthmothers and adoptees do look
for each other at the same time.
W.___Wounds from adoption take time to heal! Be kind to yourself.
X.___Xpect to feel like your birthmother is dead! It goes through everyone's
mind. She's probably not dead, but if she is, you may have the opportunity to
meet siblings, aunts, uncles, and even your birthfather.
Y.___You won't die from your feelings. You may feel like you are going to die
during your search experience, but unless you walk in front of a Mac truck...
Z.___ZzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzZzzzzzzz. Sleep a lot while you are searching. It's a
tiring experience, both physically and emotionally.
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